Anyone seen a spare soul around, I seem to have misplaced mine

It seems that other segments of my life have not been filled with the
volume of struggle and confusion that I feel right now. I wonder why
that is. Maybe I'm being melodramatic. When I was leaving Lee I
seemed to remember being much more relaxed about the whole job search
and working thing. I went to camp. At camp there was some working
out to be done but it came with less stress, or so I remember now.

I feel weak that I cannot take the direction of my life in my hands
with authority and direct it where I would will. That very well may
prove to to be a faulty vision of manhood. I dont know (and I think
Scripture echos this as well) that it is not for people to direct
their own paths. Even taking that concept into my hands with
authority would seem to feel good.

But what am I trying to claim, is it not a paradox? God promises
good things to us and seems to not necessarily follow through. God
asks us to believe that God is good and trustworthy regardless. What
does that add up to? I dont know where I am going with this....

Maybe it would make sense to spend some time looking back in order to
look forward. I have said before that I believe God works out lives
into a pattern that can be discerned looking back, forward is hard
because you never know what new threads will be woven in.

I have spent the last two years not pushing myself to grow, not being
stimulated to pursue God. I had accepted comfort. I was making a
lot of money (for a single guy) and had just about anything I wanted
including travel to see Julie and others whenever I could. It was a
pretty easy life, not without sacrifices. I dont know how to phrase
what I feel the sacrifice was.... I was made into a cog in the state
machine, it treated employees the same as clients. My
individuality .... thats it, individuality. My passions, desires,
and interests did not fit into the narrow space that the state
allowed so they had to be sacrificed during working time.
Unfortunately working time did not end when I left the office. If
followed me home and sometimes would follow me into my dreams. There
was no space for individuals in the state, and little tolerance for
humanity.

Now I am forced to rekindle my individualness all at once. This is
intimidating. I am discovering that I am valuable as a human being,
as a man. My voice has something to say and my perspective is
unique. I did not even notice when I had thrown that aside to only
speak for children and their value and needs. I find it strange when
people want to listen to what I have to say about myself. I seem to
remember having things that I wanted to do with my life before
working at DFCS. I seem to remember getting excited about more ideas
and causes.

It may be necessary to study theology again, if only to reclaim my soul.